If you care to lend me a moment of your life, undivided, attentive, even if we are silent gathering rocks on a nearby hill, I promise to return is with a memory irreplaceable with anyone else. We will smile you and I looking for relics in this moment.
Do not hurt me with the verses of your choice. God has his own voice. But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6
Do not slander me with your lies. I walked with you not agaisnt you. I spoke for you in vain. Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually! 1 Chronicles 16:11
Forgive me if my voice is not yours, my words not synonyms for what your mind tells you.
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colassions 3:13
Do not hate me becasue I cry out in despair of the malace attacking the spirit in my core. The pain is unbearable and as I whiter in defeat do not mock or chasen to assumptions of vile repute. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18
Where I go you so shall travel too in due rendering of time. Where I have been you can see from both sides. Where I exist is not far from your own home. We are one you and I in flesh, in life, in accordance of God’s law. But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, Luke 6:27
Isn’t it written that we are here but to love one another and nothing less or more?
I saw you today laughing. You look the same. My heart felt joy seeing you happy. You didn’t notice me. You didn’t expect me living there across the street of your byway. We are neighbors but not friends. You bid the life of my soul unwelcome. I saw you today. I don’t know how hate filled the spaces where love should warm essence of life in your soul. Could it be you don’t live inside the person you want others to see? Maybe that’s why you can’t see me.
In the beginning you were everything the sun and moon couldn’t be. You rose to the bekoning of a cry, smiled at the notions in time, and danced while no one was watching but us. Family.
Time moved swift on wings we dare to see. Strings that bound loosened and lost. New avenues of discovery replaced the old. We were born again and grown to reach a destiny we call the end. Beginnings.
And in moments of your allowance we soured. When you grew dark I tried to light the way. Sometimes I stayed there where the bridge to your life was diverted to the path of mine. We were okay for that time. Living.
Darkness came calling and shattered every window to the soul of us in the morning smiling. You couldnt breath and I spared my breath to keep yours exhaling from the chasim of a place no one wanted to go. I held on to you and them and us. You drifted to the place where good-bye was forever. There’s no hope. Death.
And now, alone when the morning sun rings shyly through the bedroom window it brings home memories of you and us. Family. Once we were and now we cannot be. Lies cascading from the dark move slowly through the valley between time and you and suffocate the melody in our voices. We are no more even though we are here still. Life.
The cycle will return again in the spring of life and together we will sing and dance. Life won’t hurt and death won’t steal what life carried on without my soul alone.
Oneday you will feel what I went through because of the lies you crafted while no one was looking.
In time you’ll feel the emptiness of no one seeing through the cloud of deceit to stand beside you.
One day you’ll feel the hurt you caused when you exploited me to meet your emotional needs and then cast me out like the trash you don’t need.
The only thing we truly own going into tomorrow is the places we’ve been, the people we’ve loved, and all that we can carryin memory.
Things aren’t real. They can’t feel your love or pain. Things falsify the belief that what we have is more important than who we have. In reality we don’t take who we have with us either.
Just the memories go forward.
I tremble at the keyboard thinking and wondering backwards why someone you loved and trusted could lash out with bitter hatred and lies.
I force myself to move forward remembering only the truths I thougth I knew. Reflecting on the way love felt when I was naive and child like in a belief that family’s don’t lie and make each other cry.
I move forward one foot in front of the other.
It’s okay being alone.
We live alone in our mind.
We die alone.
We laugh with our own voice even in the choir of hysterical joy. Our voice is ours alone.
Oneday, I hope your voice decides not to break the people who loved you to the core of who you were.
Oneday, I hope you use your voice to build paths leading to the wonder of a garden.
You voice belongs to only you.
When the lights go out, people know the truth.
falling too deep for you to save me
with this love of yours
I can barely breath
we’re broken and scarred
coming from a different place
we can’t keep searching for
the perfect place when our hearts bleed
with tears that stain
just take my hand
and we’ll walk into tomorrow
where secrets don’t lie
and even if were never the same
we can sit quiet for now
cause every part of me will hold onto every pain
and let me whisper one more time before you go
i have no regrets for trying to hang on somehow
let your mind go
don’t listen to the lies its telling you
about the love I gave you
cause I didn’t feel the words
you scratched out in dull edges on my heart
i can’t make the world stop spinning
without reaching through the fog
feeling for a heaven I can’t believe in
when you stand there crying out my sins
just hold my hand
and we’ll walk to the edge
where our secrets are calling
telling us love is just an unfair game
that has us standing still now
with every part of me holding onto you
while I whisper to you as you pull away
my regrets somehow become your pain
to your heart that’s calling for me
and Im hearing the lies you tell
about this love you feel
i can barely breath knowing its not true
and I’m scared I won’t know
where to find divine intervention
that moves us to a better place
where love doesn’t hurt
and we never have to close our eyes
just take my hand
and walk into tomorrow
where secrets won’t find us
and love won’t leave us the same
as we sit side by side
as every part of me holds onto every part of you
let me whisper whisper whisper one more time everyday
i have no regrets for loving you
you don’t get to break me
tell lies and hate me
you can’t drop a line on me
so just let me be
let me be free
from the words that
forsake the love I gave you
cause being and feeling is something you earn
the world becomes too much to face
when the man who gave you life
takes yours away
no, you don’t get to break my heart
i stood by your side from the start
but celebrating for someone else was too much
and you can’t illuminate a distant touch
of the hand you never held out to me
and the memories that speed
past us to beyond the need
i’ve started to replace
with the lies that bridged the space
before your heart turned cold
with every word you told
behind the back of distinguished pride
where your mind told you to hide
and make me another of your mistakes
and time won’t heal the defacing ow who I was
when you felt yourself falling
needing me without calling
I stood there
needing someone to know you feel
because life is hard, and death is real
and now you’re not here
when the world stopped turning and the sky turned clear
with clouds descending on the love I gave
long after you threw the dying flowers
and didn’t need me to pass the hours
no you don’t get to break me
lie about me
but never do you get to break me down
cause I’m no longer your invincible clown
remember? the one you sat aside
so you could seek someone else to stroke your pride
while they smiled and said remember when
you made me cry
cause sometimes nothing can heal the lie
as the world takes up spinning
around your damaged pride
Words. Words they sting with bitter venom.
Lies become deceptions that we render into paintings.
Creations hung on walls in empty rooms forever.
Where voices echo words you said from faceless images left for dead.
Hearts. Hearts get broken.
Time. Time goes unnoticed.
Where the looking glass once stood.
Now the room reflects the void just like it should.
Lies. Lies they drift beyond the lust.
Dying. Dying reminds us.
Never say you know the man.
Cause words can break him into sand.
And, dust. Dust where we all come from.
Nothing before us nothing later.
This world it promised happily ever after.
Promises just lies from a master.
Void. Void is where I am.
The hole where I began.
No one saw me no one will.
Time will tell who life will kill.
Shadows. Shadows cast on vacant halls.
Halls where doors shut closed and voices fall.
Life goes on but dust still calls like shadows on the vacant walls.
Dying never promised living and life once called where
echoes linger for love that saw
the void was filled until death brought
words can kill.
I walked down the path in a wooded place on a Saturday.
It doesn’t matter which day.
Shakespeare declared life is but a stage, so metaphorically speaking my path could be yours and my stream is but your lonely sidewalk winding into nowhere.
When thirst dries the fragrance in the breeze and cool winds knock you to your knees get back up and seek a sail for another dream.
There’s a black cloud hanging over the horizon of tomorrow so let’s reverse our steps and draw the curtain on time for now.
Time the narrator reads is passionately deceiving. Rough seas are inevitable so seek not to sail and travel the other divide.
Less common is the misfortune of time tangled into submission quietly encroached in the dark wood of a prevalent tree.
Find me if you will when loneliness stalks the bitterness in your heart.
I’ll be around the bend on the wooded path by Saturday’s Stream. I’ll share a drink with you, just enough to be on your way back home.
Can you find your way through the audience throngs?
Unfold your hand. I might follow. I can’t promise my will can seek out your way. Promises fade because life’s stage was merely an act in this make-believe play.
Most of my life’s been about a dream; a dream I didn’t think I could have. Life’s been about a miracle; a miracle I knew I wasn’t. I’ve worn the mask of faith and intelligence in front of a world where saving face was more about who you know and what you have, not what you’re hiding and your’re not. In reality it’s better to live in a dream. Dreams like masks hide the face of disappointment, self-doubt and the pain of ridicule. Masks hide the fear of living in front of the people you wish knew you were alive.
Life in the dream is safe. Safe is a place where you don’t have to contradict the people who lie about you, lie to you, lie to themselves. Because, life is a lie and maybe just maybe living a dream is real. Because, I’ve learned people aren’t real. People let you down, spin you around and make you doubt the palliative condition of existence. I won’t let you down, if you don’t lie and pretend I’m the not real so you can save face in a world that mocks you as your shirt tails dance in the wind behind you. I’ll just keep dreaming. I can wait for a better place to live.
I removed this post of my life of experiencing gaslighting before I ever knew there was a word for the phenomenon of someone projecting their guilt on someone else to isolate and estrange them in retaliation for not being agreeable and submissive to their bullying. One day I will publish it again because the story is true and real.
I’m just some girl from the middle of nowhere trying to get to somewhere
man, you don’t need to look down on me I already do it to myself
I’m on a road I try to travel and get diverted to the gravel in the middle
no need to kick dirt up at me I’ve fallen in it tripping over my own ideas
Just a girl searching for her purpose and trying to make a difference
No need to check in on me I think I’m doing fine – alone
Yeah, I get lonely and sometimes I cry at night, but that’s okay
we all hit rock bottom on the way to somewhere else
I don’t need anything I haven’t worked for myself
handouts aren’t the needs I’ve ever felt
Just trying to hold life together hoping that the grass isn’t greener,
just grass that leads me back to myself
Because, we’re all lost before we’re found as we strive for higher ground
in the middle of a place we know isn’t home and never can be again
The walls we build around us trap us right inside ourselves so I’m not asking
for love or comfort or anything that I can’t find within myself
Don’t tell me the rain is always followed by a sunny day
when you haven’t seen yourself beyond the clouds in your backyard
Somewhere it’s raining every day and it’s alright because the sun wasn’t for me
I kind of like the rain
Guess I’ll see you around again
If you find yourself talking about me make the story grander than I am
Just the way you know how to do
Just remember to tell them I’m not as cold as you’ve made me out to be
I’m just doing it my way and I’m alright for now
Maybe you should have asked, “How are you?” before you told everyone
how I am
quintessential images manufactured
with tendrils enticing memories
unable to endure what the eye cannot see
treading toward extinction
scheming fond illusions in the mind where
God and man
unable to endure the likeness in one another’s image
now he loves me
no he won’t
half a lie
drop the flower
leaving scars where
pastel nights once
canvased the speed of light
in rainbows we couldn’t see
with eyes of diamonds
falling thick upon
the frozen land where
love once grew
in plastic crates
holding broken pieces
tattered hearts of shame
believing love was real
regretting the game
if you hurt me
i can break away
so please don’t say
you won’t hurt me
if we change as
time stands still
spinning on the axis
music we cannot feel
and dreams we cannot hear
i will remember
you whisper through the phone
of magical times we hoped we’d share
in that world beyond the now
we cannot bare
when we’re together
and can’t see each other
crying out for love
that won’t break away
from a coast in a world
where we want to be
don’t give up words I speak to myself with a heart that cannot hear you cannot understand the needs i choke back as you turn away don’t give up too proud to ask for help I walk down to the river because it’s not as it was planned to be tomorrow can’t be seen in dreams I held yesterday don’t give up when the world is your parade all you say comes in breaths furious with contempt words fall fused a life you cannot save don’t give up as the chill begins to crawl and slip from the arms that no longer hold me close because it’s easier for you to let go and drown my soul in kaleidoscope falls trying to save a life you can’t find muddy waters of a mind lost in the decadence as silence slips from your lips you can’t save what you don’t want laugh when love is a force you cannot feel
suppressed to the horizon
of another day
you blame your father he blames you shrinking inside the delicate balance for making him stronger you are made weak plotting the retort disdain and defeat to the jabs of a knife swords cast anvil solid contentment and peace a disease contagious with rejection fear and retort circles of love beaten broken pieces falling amid another storm hiding from light the fog of truth blanketing skid marks left by demons who fell to their knees before you became you
when cold begins to crawl
and limbs begin to tremble
eyes close to sleep
and August becomes December
you will in eternal rest
wake from your joyous magnification
slip silently in return
and whisper so sweetly
as you did when we denied your lament
and promised with eloquent grace
to come back and deliver a glimpse
so the tattered edges of my soul
no longer in denial would fain
get a little rest
i live here
not because you were leaving
and not because you’re gone
i live here
in a place where freedom
and doesn’t cost
time and wasted energy
i live here
because you took a part of me when you left
and i can’t find it
No matter what changes we make in our lives and in our word I know real love never dies. I only want you to know how many times a night I wake thinking of you and how many nights I have not slept at all. There are times I will admit to sitting and crying, because I know the attention would make you proud.
Unfeeling heart why did you have to go? To take a leave of absence was the greatest blow. From a world where easy was not the breath I drew, uncaring for such people, rejection was the arrow you drew.
Waves of drowning engulf my fragile heart. Night time is the bitter lie we tell ourselves in sleep. Here the only visit from you often brings me to my knees. Crouched in insecurity and waves of needless pain, I wonder if you ever actions have truly been your gain.
For lost within the forest edge and cradled by the wind, cruelly you sit and take a sip and grin. How I wish I’d taught you that to read and write is wrong, nor fixing broken pieces makes not a whole again. Lest the cracks defy the fractals of light, you can still see within. For within your new reality will lie the sleeping past. And linger amid those broke pieces, simple shards of glass.
Be not whole, but seek to find a fondness for your core. There in lies the manifest place where thunderstorms where the earth shakes free and bids my soul goodbye. You are not small and though you cast the love for me away. I know one thing my darling girl, I have more love than one heart can hold.
So keep saying I don’t matter, and keep telling of your tales. I am not who you told the trees. As you stride to sail against the wind formidable power draws you back. As you lose track of who you are remember, the light within the cracks. I’ll get back up on my feeble way to show you one last time. Is better to be somebody than somebody’s.
Forever does not exist.
She said she believed something good would happen to me today. Bible in hand, every word drifting to the peninsula of my mind. The TV rattled on as I closed my eyes and said, “Please,” to a God I wasn’t sure I deserved. But, believing is easier than thinking. My skin goes cold, thinking, I wish I didn’t have to think today. Why does it feel like she’s stealing Jesus away on Monday with a reckless sword wielded while I am trying to pray.
She says I am deeply loved while I feel no touch. There’s no sensation at all. No words to reveal the emptiness in a world where religious begging brings fortune and fame, while many have nothing at all. We are to sit in awe and wonder of something grander than ourselves, weak with faith. Who is she talking to if not me. “I’m waiting on you God, I need you to say something. Anything on any other day than Sunday.” I whisper opening my eyes.
There is darkness in the light.
“Say something Lord.” I’m giving up on you. With knowledge faulty and unreliable, I reach out my hand. Her voice raises an aplause. Ignorance is not my choice. I will believe the Sermon of Sunday and know that hell exists in a loneliness wrought with power and choice and “Amen,”. Her preamble to fame. Amen, there are lessons learned in every end. If I play it safe I may not stray too far. Sell me your Sermon on CD for another Monday.
A ray of light strums a chord, here but for a little while.
Unspoken words a moment in time spanning days into months and then years.
We walk directional to habit and conventional to spirt.
Without mode operate seeking the depth of the soul.
Carelessly whispering motionless in flight.
You walked away where newness meets a flaming dawn.
There to the abyss of forever gone.
I have published a colorful picture book for children with the help of my dad, David W. Noblett. Without his brilliant illustrations the vision of a meaningful and rich story would have never come to be. Flicker, Flutter, Flash is not only a journey of a little boy into the wonder of summer. It is a story about the environment and the need to preserve even the tiniest creature. Please take a look. https://www.createspace.com/4857616
Today I would like to stop time. In this moment, which might be my last, but, isn’t I want to suspend time. Today for some time uncalculated I want to walk. I want to walk and dwell on all the things I’ve left undone. Those things put off for a tomorrow that doesn’t come, but might. Before the days is done I will race for the finish line without stumbling. I will complete a good day, but I may not win. It will be alright. The heavy breaths of despair will be no more when I loosen the reins of time and carry on. My voice will be a weapon and in the tomorrow that has yet to reflect self back to me I will not quit. I will stand still in time and for moment draw a breath. Time doesn’t know we can’t accept the movement toward a horizon we can’t see. in this moment everything is alright. This day will come to an end.