A selfish soul will always rewrite their version of the story in their minds and then tell the world a tale.

Greed is a hunger deeper than the physical body.

Sunsets and fairytales only exist on a horizon far beyond our reach.

Hateful people can’t hide behind haircolor and makeup.

For some the desire to control is an internal flame igniting their entire existence.

Family isnt always blood and for some blood is a trigger for selfish hate.

Reality will always be the only thing we take from this earth and face in the next life.

It’s better to live simple in truth than congregating in a denial.

Eventually lies surface and have to be faced.

Living in truth leaves no tracks to cover.

Reality is what it is and nothing can hide it.

I am not the words you survived as you bury the one you denied, so inadequately placing each letter upon my soul by unfurled tongue of culpability and animosity. 

I am she who you named. 

I am not the lies she told bestowing words of friendship and love while at the table of comradery. As you portion the mane at the back of your erstwhile face to leave falsehood with memory and friendship to waste. 

I am she seeing the vail of hypocrisy raised to the eyes of beholders bequest. 

I am not the version of past immortalized in fractals of petulance held as his creed in a core blinded by superciliousness. 

My eyes are inherent beside him hand laid upon shoulder where apprehension extended to love.    

I am not the one you cannot see through eyes determined to hate. 

I exist cradled at the feet of the deity promising defeat of the human indignity flowing unabashed from soulless conscience. 

I breath. 

Deny my existence, yet I breath.

Lend my reputation to the devil with your misshapen defamations. 

I breath. 

The story your audiences applad a fiction laid carelessly upon the living to conger hate as the narrarotor weeps for trivilized fabrication of disparity.

I breath.

Scene two, Act three.

I breath.

I retain my name but never the formidibility of the guilt twisted in projection at me.

I stand.

I breath.

no words were spoken

the rules faded in gloom

laid upon the shelf 

of broken dreams and 

half jested schemes

where you played victim 

and I drown in guilt

there therapeutic music moaned

to lure the quest of the jury

covering the face of time

in a pew alone strangers on one side

resides a mask darkening 

the face of trust once acquainted

who will convict the sentence?

who will be the judge?

You said you knew the king

now the final draft of the soliloquy 

where conviction lay levied upon

the one who delighted in pleasing you

with every request and each small deed

I dug a grave to lay

in the offenses you foretold 

for pride you traded lies

and acceptance of impending doom

you shunned the love handed freely

for words spoken behind the cloak

your stag a dagger dripping of twisted tales

you are what you have done to us

the capture of your audience

now speaks of you in vain

his words never a good father 

and to the wife nay never kind he was

and you delight in twisting the 

ropes to our necks you’ve already tied

to impart the fictional character 

who resembles the teacher

of treachery and joy

hostility and pride

while seeking refuge in his reinforced lies

Only one query remains

when the occasional daunting 

foreshadows who I was for you

trickling from the place I set it

airtight away from thought

hauntingly stalking the night, 

it bids I catechize once again

antecedent to who I am 

why on me have you lied?

Didn’t I hold your hand?

Didn’t speak the words you asailed?

and to the malice of your co-conspirator 

for shame the thoughts 

of wickedness and 

self-indulgence he forbode

when right is left

and left I went

you said right was wrong

and then the story became untold

in a mind where lingers 

a dark self-righteous claim

to know of another the entitlement

and tell the life for which is not thine

the way it shall have lived

survival of the fittest

and raise the glass to toast

the one who underscores and

steals the lustful show

of greed and contemplation

of malice and hostility

you don’t know the soul

of the one you blinded from 

memory so long ago

You don’t chasten the gauntlet

of time for all who quest

leave the mercy of my soul

when I fail to pass your test

where dreams and kindness linger

in the faces of my life

due test a fortitude

you lash out at will

long after the stalker of darkness 

marked his prey and killed

No one will ever know the love

of the one who spews his hate

in effort to shun the lingering bond

surely bound to heaven’s gate

where whence the whining wain 

of deceit will follow in your steps

and truth be known for all receipt

forgiveness will it assay 

Come day come nay before I fail

to relieve the ache of a plague

the constant bridle of reprieve

I need to gaze upon your face

where in finally I can speak

and say my heart is light

for all you laid upon my grave

where silence had been golden

to the lies you now twist as fate

to the ones who loved 

the ones who cried

at the contemptuousness

you repaid with lies

If you care to lend me a moment of your life, undivided, attentive, even if we are silent gathering rocks on a nearby hill, I promise to return it with a memory irreplaceable with anyone else. We will smile you and I looking for relics of teh past for today.

Do not hurt me with the verses of your choice. God has his own voice. But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

Do not slander me with your lies. I walked with you not agaisnt you. I spoke for you in vain. Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually! 1 Chronicles 16:11

Forgive me if my voice is not yours, my words not synonyms for what your mind tells you.
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colassions 3:13

Do not hate me becasue I cry out in despair of the malace attacking the spirit in my core. The pain is unbearable and as I whiter in defeat do not mock or chasen to assumptions of vile repute. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18

Where I go you so shall travel too in due rendering of time. Where I have been you can see from both sides. Where I exist is not far from your own home. We are one you and I in flesh, in life, in accordance of God’s law. But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, Luke 6:27

Isn’t it written that we are here but to love one another and nothing less or more?

I saw you today laughing. You look the same. My heart felt joy seeing you happy. You didn’t notice me. You didn’t expect me living there across the street of your byway. We are neighbors but not friends. You bid the life of my soul unwelcome. I saw you today. I don’t know how hate filled the spaces where love should warm essence of life in your soul. Could it be you don’t live inside the person you want others to see? Maybe that’s why you can’t see me.

In the beginning you were everything the sun and moon couldn’t be. You rose to the bekoning of a cry, smiled at the notions in time, and danced while no one was watching but us. Family.

Time moved swift on wings we dare to see. Strings that bound loosened and lost. New avenues of discovery replaced the old. We were born again and grown to reach a destiny we call the end. Beginnings.

And in moments of your allowance we soured. When you grew dark I tried to light the way. Sometimes I stayed there where the bridge to your life was diverted to the path of mine. We were okay for that time. Living.

Darkness came calling and shattered every window to the soul of us in the morning smiling. You couldnt breath and I spared my breath to keep yours exhaling from the chasim of a place no one wanted to go. I held on to you and them and us. You drifted to the place where good-bye was forever. There’s no hope. Death.

And now, alone when the morning sun rings shyly through the bedroom window it brings home memories of you and us. Family. Once we were and now we cannot be. Lies cascading from the dark move slowly through the valley between time and you and suffocate the melody in our voices. We are no more even though we are here still. Life.

The cycle will return again in the spring of life and together we will sing and dance. Life won’t hurt and death won’t steal what life carried on without my soul alone.

Oneday you will feel what I went through because of the lies you crafted while no one was looking.

In time you’ll feel the emptiness of no one seeing through the cloud of deceit to stand beside you.

One day you’ll feel the hurt you caused when you exploited me to meet your emotional needs and then cast me out like the trash you don’t need.

The only thing we truly own going into tomorrow is the places we’ve been, the people we’ve loved, and all that we can carryin memory.

Things aren’t real. They can’t feel your love or pain. Things falsify the belief that what we have is more important than who we have. In reality we don’t take who we have with us either.

Just the memories go forward.

I tremble at the keyboard thinking and wondering backwards why someone you loved and trusted could lash out with bitter hatred and lies.

I force myself to move forward remembering only the truths I thougth I knew. Reflecting on the way love felt when I was naive and child like in a belief that family’s don’t lie and make each other cry.

I move forward one foot in front of the other.

Alone.

It’s okay being alone.

We live alone in our mind.

We die alone.

We laugh with our own voice even in the choir of hysterical joy. Our voice is ours alone.

Oneday, I hope your voice decides not to break the people who loved you to the core of who you were.

Oneday, I hope you use your voice to build paths leading to the wonder of a garden.

You voice belongs to only you.

When the lights go out, people know the truth.

Oneday.

i’m falling

falling too deep for you to save me

with this love of yours

I can barely breath

we’re broken and scarred

coming from a different place

we can’t keep searching for

the perfect place when our hearts bleed

with tears that stain

………………………..

just take my hand

and we’ll walk into tomorrow

where secrets don’t lie

and even if were never the same

we can sit quiet for now

cause every part of me will hold onto every pain

and let me whisper one more time before you go

i have no regrets for trying to hang on somehow

………………………..

let your mind go

don’t listen to the lies its telling you

about the love I gave you

cause I didn’t feel the words

you scratched out in dull edges on my heart

i can’t make the world stop spinning

without reaching through the fog

feeling for a heaven I can’t believe in

when you stand there crying out my sins

………………………..

just hold my hand

and we’ll walk to the edge

where our secrets are calling

telling us love is just an unfair game

that has us standing still now

with every part of me holding onto you

while I whisper to you as you pull away

my regrets somehow become your pain

………………………..

i’m falling

to your heart that’s calling for me

and Im hearing the lies you tell

about this love you feel

i can barely breath knowing its not true

and I’m scared I won’t know

where to find divine intervention

that moves us to a better place

where love doesn’t hurt

and we never have to close our eyes

………………………..

just take my hand

and walk into tomorrow

where secrets won’t find us

and love won’t leave us the same

as we sit side by side

as every part of me holds onto every part of you

let me whisper whisper whisper one more time everyday

i have no regrets for loving you

you don’t get to break me

fake me

tell lies and hate me

you can’t drop a line on me

so just let me be

let me be free

from the words that

forsake the love I gave you

cause being and feeling is something you earn

the world becomes too much to face

when the man who gave you life

takes yours away

no, you don’t get to break my heart

i stood by your side from the start

but celebrating for someone else was too much

and you can’t illuminate a distant touch

of the hand you never held out to me

and the memories that speed

past us to beyond the need

i’ve started to replace

with the lies that bridged the space

before your heart turned cold

with every word you told

behind the back of distinguished pride

where your mind told you to hide

and make me another of your mistakes

and time won’t heal the defacing ow who I was

when you felt yourself falling

needing me without calling

I stood there

needing someone to know you feel

because life is hard, and death is real

and now you’re not here

when the world stopped turning and the sky turned clear

with clouds descending on the love I gave

long after you threw the dying flowers

and didn’t need me to pass the hours

no you don’t get to break me

mock me

lie about me

fake me

but never do you get to break me down

cause I’m no longer your invincible clown

remember? the one you sat aside

so you could seek someone else to stroke your pride

while they smiled and said remember when

you made me cry

cause sometimes nothing can heal the lie

as the world takes up spinning

around your damaged pride

you lied

 

 

 

Words. Words they sting with bitter venom.

Lies become deceptions that we render into paintings.

Creations hung on walls in empty rooms forever.

Where voices echo words you said from faceless images left for dead.

 

Hearts. Hearts get broken.

Time. Time goes unnoticed.

Where the looking glass once stood.

Now the room reflects the void just like it should.

 

Lies. Lies they drift beyond the lust.

Dying. Dying reminds us.

Never say you know the man.

Cause words can break him into sand.

 

And, dust. Dust where we all come from.

Nothing before us nothing later.

This world it promised happily ever after.

Promises just lies from a master.

 

Void. Void is where I am.

The hole where I began.

No one saw me no one will.

Time will tell who life will kill.

 

Shadows. Shadows cast on vacant halls.

Halls where doors shut closed and voices fall.

Life goes on but dust still calls like shadows on the vacant walls.

 

Dying never promised living and life once called where

echoes linger for love that saw

the void was filled until death brought

words

and,

words can kill.

 

 

Act I

I walked down the path in a wooded place on a Saturday.

It doesn’t matter which day.

Shakespeare declared life is but a stage, so metaphorically speaking my path could be yours and my stream is but your lonely sidewalk winding into nowhere.

When thirst dries the fragrance in the breeze and cool winds knock you to your knees get back up and seek a sail for another dream.

There’s a black cloud hanging over the horizon of tomorrow so let’s reverse our steps and draw the curtain on time for now.

Act II

Time the narrator reads is passionately deceiving. Rough seas are inevitable so seek not to sail and travel the other divide.

Less common is the misfortune of time tangled into submission quietly encroached in the dark wood of a prevalent tree.

Act III

Find me if you will when loneliness stalks the bitterness in your heart.

I’ll be around the bend on the wooded path by Saturday’s Stream. I’ll share a drink with you, just enough to be on your way back home.

Can you find your way through the audience throngs?

Unfold your hand. I might follow. I can’t promise my will can seek out your way. Promises fade because life’s stage was merely an act in this make-believe play.

Most of my life’s been about a dream; a dream I didn’t think I could have. Life’s been about a miracle; a miracle I knew I wasn’t. I’ve worn the mask of faith and intelligence in front of a world where saving face was more about who you know and what you have, not what you’re hiding and your’re not. In reality it’s better to live in a dream. Dreams like masks hide the face of disappointment, self-doubt and the pain of ridicule. Masks hide the fear of living in front of the people you wish knew you were alive.

Life in the dream is safe. Safe is a place where you don’t have to contradict the people who lie about you, lie to you, lie to themselves. Because, life is a lie and maybe just maybe living a dream is real. Because, I’ve learned people aren’t real. People let you down, spin you around and make you doubt the palliative condition of existence. I won’t let you down, if you don’t lie and pretend I’m the not real so you can save face in a world that mocks you as your shirt tails dance in the wind behind you. I’ll just keep dreaming. I can wait for a better place to live.

I removed this post of my life of experiencing gaslighting before I ever knew there was a word for the phenomenon of someone projecting their guilt on someone else to isolate and estrange them in retaliation for not being agreeable and submissive to their bullying.  One day I will publish it again because the story is true and real.

 

I’m just some girl from the middle of nowhere trying to get to somewhere

man, you don’t need to look down on me I already do it to myself

 

I’m on a road I try to travel and get diverted to the gravel in the middle

no need to kick dirt up at me I’ve fallen in it tripping over my own ideas

 

Just a girl searching for her purpose and trying to make a difference

No need to check in on me I think I’m doing fine – alone

 

Yeah, I get lonely and sometimes I cry at night, but that’s okay

we all hit rock bottom on the way to somewhere else

 

I don’t need anything I haven’t worked for myself

handouts aren’t the needs I’ve ever felt

 

Just trying to hold life together hoping that the grass isn’t greener,

just grass that leads me back to myself

 

Because, we’re all lost before we’re found as we strive for higher ground

in the middle of a place we know isn’t home and never can be again

 

The walls we build around us trap us right inside ourselves so I’m not asking

for love or comfort or anything that I can’t find within myself

 

Don’t tell me the rain is always followed by a sunny day

when you haven’t seen yourself beyond the clouds in your backyard

 

Somewhere it’s raining every day and it’s alright because the sun wasn’t for me

I kind of like the rain

 

Guess I’ll see you around again

If you find yourself talking about me make the story grander than I am

Just the way you know how to do

 

Just remember to tell them I’m not as cold as you’ve made me out to be

I’m just doing it my way and I’m alright for now

Maybe you should have asked, “How are you?” before you told everyone

how I am

quintessential images manufactured

with tendrils enticing memories

exposure

unable to endure what the eye cannot see

treading toward extinction

scheming fond illusions in the mind where

God and man

unable to endure the likeness in one another’s image

die

now he loves me

no he won’t

half a lie

drop the flower

destroyed petals

leaving scars where

pastel nights once

canvased the speed of light

in rainbows we couldn’t see

with eyes of diamonds

and mist

falling thick upon

the frozen land where

love once grew

in plastic crates

holding broken pieces

tattered hearts of shame

believing love was real

regretting the game

if you hurt me

its okay

i can break away

from you

so please don’t say

you won’t hurt me

if we change as

time stands still

spinning on the axis

music we cannot feel

and dreams we cannot hear

i will remember

you whisper through the phone

of magical times we hoped we’d share

in that world beyond the now

we cannot bare

the loneliness

when we’re together

and can’t see each other

crying out for love

that won’t break away

from a coast in a world

where we want to be

don’t give up

words I speak to myself

with a heart that cannot hear

you cannot understand

the needs i choke back

as you turn away

don’t give up

too proud to ask for help

I walk down to the river

because it’s not as it was planned to be

tomorrow can’t be seen

in dreams I held yesterday

don’t give up

when the world is your parade

all you say comes in breaths

furious with contempt

words fall fused

a life you cannot save

don’t give up

as the chill begins to crawl

and slip from the arms

that no longer hold me close

because it’s easier for you to let go

and drown my soul in kaleidoscope falls

trying to save a life

you can’t find

muddy waters of a mind

lost in the decadence

as silence slips from your lips

you can’t save what you don’t want

laugh

when love is a force you cannot feel

 

i’ll follow

you

in dreams

hidden

suppressed to the horizon

of another day

you blame your father

he blames you

shrinking inside the delicate balance

for making him stronger

you are made weak

plotting the retort

disdain and defeat

to the jabs of a knife

swords cast

anvil solid

contentment and peace

a disease

contagious with rejection

fear and retort

circles of love

beaten

broken

pieces falling amid another storm

hiding from light

the fog of truth blanketing

skid marks

left by demons who fell to their knees

before you became

you

when cold begins to crawl

and limbs begin to tremble

eyes close to sleep

and August becomes December

you will in eternal rest

wake from your joyous magnification

slip silently in return

and whisper so sweetly

as you did when we denied your lament

and promised with eloquent grace

to come back and deliver a glimpse

so the tattered edges of my soul

no longer in denial would fain

get a little rest

 

 

i live here

not because you were leaving

and not because you’re gone

i live here

in a place where freedom

is

and doesn’t cost

time and wasted energy

i live here

because you took a part of me when you left

and i can’t find it

No matter what changes we make in our lives and in our word I know real love never dies. I only want you to know how many times a night I wake thinking of you and how many nights I have not slept at all. There are times I will admit to sitting and crying, because I know the attention would make you proud.

Unfeeling heart why did you have to go? To take a leave of absence was the greatest blow. From a world where easy was not the breath I drew, uncaring for such people, rejection was the arrow you drew.

Waves of drowning engulf my fragile heart. Night time is the bitter lie we tell ourselves in sleep. Here the only visit from you often brings me to my knees. Crouched in insecurity and waves of needless pain, I wonder if you ever actions have truly been your gain.

For lost within the forest edge and cradled by the wind, cruelly you sit and take a sip and grin. How I wish I’d taught you that to read and write is wrong, nor fixing broken pieces makes not a whole again. Lest the cracks defy the fractals of light, you can still see within. For within your new reality will lie the sleeping past. And linger amid those broke pieces, simple shards of glass.

Be not whole, but seek to find a fondness for your core. There in lies the manifest place where thunderstorms where the earth shakes free and bids my soul goodbye. You are not small and though you cast the love for me away. I know one thing my darling girl, I have more love than one heart can hold.

So keep saying I don’t matter, and keep telling of your tales. I am not who you told the trees. As you stride to sail against the wind formidable power draws you back. As you lose track of who you are remember, the light within the cracks. I’ll get back up on my feeble way to show you one last time. Is better to be somebody than somebody’s.

Forever does not exist.

She said she believed something good would happen to me today. Bible in hand, every word drifting to the peninsula of my mind. The TV rattled on as I closed my eyes and said, “Please,” to a God I wasn’t sure I deserved. But, believing is easier than thinking. My skin goes cold, thinking, I wish I didn’t have to think today.  Why does it feel like she’s stealing Jesus away on Monday with a reckless sword wielded while I am trying to pray. 

She says I am deeply loved while I feel no touch. There’s no sensation at all. No  words to reveal the emptiness in a world where religious begging brings fortune and fame, while many have nothing at all. We are to sit in awe and wonder of something grander than ourselves, weak with faith. Who is she talking to if not me. “I’m waiting on you God, I need you to say something. Anything on any other day than Sunday.” I whisper opening my eyes.

There is darkness in the light.

“Say something Lord.” I’m giving up on you. With knowledge faulty and unreliable, I reach out my hand. Her voice raises an aplause. Ignorance is not my choice. I will believe the Sermon of Sunday and know that hell exists in a loneliness wrought with power and choice and “Amen,”. Her preamble to fame. Amen, there are lessons learned in every end. If I play it safe I may not stray too far. Sell me your Sermon on CD for another Monday.