no regrets

i’m falling

falling too deep for you to save me

with this love of yours

I can barely breath

we’re broken and scarred

coming from a different place

we can’t keep searching for

the perfect place when our hearts bleed

with tears that stain

………………………..

just take my hand

and we’ll walk into tomorrow

where secrets don’t lie

and even if were never the same

we can sit quiet for now

cause every part of me will hold onto every pain

and let me whisper one more time before you go

i have no regrets for trying to hang on somehow

………………………..

let your mind go

don’t listen to the lies its telling you

about the love I gave you

cause I didn’t feel the words

you scratched out in dull edges on my heart

i can’t make the world stop spinning

without reaching through the fog

feeling for a heaven I can’t believe in

when you stand there crying out my sins

………………………..

just hold my hand

and we’ll walk to the edge

where our secrets are calling

telling us love is just an unfair game

that has us standing still now

with every part of me holding onto you

while I whisper to you as you pull away

my regrets somehow become your pain

………………………..

i’m falling

to your heart that’s calling for me

and Im hearing the lies you tell

about this love you feel

i can barely breath knowing its not true

and I’m scared I won’t know

where to find divine intervention

that moves us to a better place

where love doesn’t hurt

and we never have to close our eyes

………………………..

just take my hand

and walk into tomorrow

where secrets won’t find us

and love won’t leave us the same

as we sit side by side

as every part of me holds onto every part of you

let me whisper whisper whisper one more time everyday

i have no regrets for loving you

you lied

you don’t get to break me

fake me

tell lies and hate me

you can’t drop a line on me

so just let me be

let me be free

from the words that

forsake the love I gave you

cause being and feeling is something you earn

the world becomes too much to face

when the man who gave you life

takes yours away

no, you don’t get to break my heart

i stood by your side from the start

but celebrating for someone else was too much

and you can’t illuminate a distant touch

of the hand you never held out to me

and the memories that speed

past us to beyond the need

i’ve started to replace

with the lies that bridged the space

before your heart turned cold

with every word you told

behind the back of distinguished pride

where your mind told you to hide

and make me another of your mistakes

and time won’t heal the defacing ow who I was

when you felt yourself falling

needing me without calling

I stood there

needing someone to know you feel

because life is hard, and death is real

and now you’re not here

when the world stopped turning and the sky turned clear

with clouds descending on the love I gave

long after you threw the dying flowers

and didn’t need me to pass the hours

no you don’t get to break me

mock me

lie about me

fake me

but never do you get to break me down

cause I’m no longer your invincible clown

remember? the one you sat aside

so you could seek someone else to stroke your pride

while they smiled and said remember when

you made me cry

cause sometimes nothing can heal the lie

as the world takes up spinning

around your damaged pride

you lied

 

 

 

Words

Words. Words they sting with bitter venom.

Lies become deceptions that we render into paintings.

Creations hung on walls in empty rooms forever.

Where voices echo words you said from faceless images left for dead.

 

Hearts. Hearts get broken.

Time. Time goes unnoticed.

Where the looking glass once stood.

Now the room reflects the void just like it should.

 

Lies. Lies they drift beyond the lust.

Dying. Dying reminds us.

Never say you know the man.

Cause words can break him into sand.

 

And, dust. Dust where we all come from.

Nothing before us nothing later.

This world it promised happily ever after.

Promises just lies from a master.

 

Void. Void is where I am.

The hole where I began.

No one saw me no one will.

Time will tell who life will kill.

 

Shadows. Shadows cast on vacant halls.

Halls where doors shut closed and voices fall.

Life goes on but dust still calls like shadows on the vacant walls.

 

Dying never promised living and life once called where

echoes linger for love that saw

the void was filled until death brought

words

and,

words can kill.

 

 

Saturday’s Stage

Act I

I walked down the path in a wooded place on a Saturday.

It doesn’t matter which day.

Shakespeare declared life is but a stage, so metaphorically speaking my path could be yours and my stream is but your lonely sidewalk winding into nowhere.

When thirst dries the fragrance in the breeze and cool winds knock you to your knees get back up and seek a sail for another dream.

There’s a black cloud hanging over the horizon of tomorrow so let’s reverse our steps and draw the curtain on time for now.

Act II

Time the narrator reads is passionately deceiving. Rough seas are inevitable so seek not to sail and travel the other divide.

Less common is the misfortune of time tangled into submission quietly encroached in the dark wood of a prevalent tree.

Act III

Find me if you will when loneliness stalks the bitterness in your heart.

I’ll be around the bend on the wooded path by Saturday’s Stream. I’ll share a drink with you, just enough to be on your way back home.

Can you find your way through the audience throngs?

Unfold your hand. I might follow. I can’t promise my will can seek out your way. Promises fade because life’s stage was merely an act in this make-believe play.

Where the Dream Lies

Most of my life’s been about a dream; a dream I didn’t think I could have. Life’s been about a miracle; a miracle I knew I wasn’t. I’ve worn the mask of faith and intelligence in front of a world where saving face was more about who you know and what you have, not what you’re hiding and your’re not. In reality it’s better to live in a dream. Dreams like masks hide the face of disappointment, self-doubt and the pain of ridicule. Masks hide the fear of living in front of the people you wish knew you were alive.

Life in the dream is safe. Safe is a place where you don’t have to contradict the people who lie about you, lie to you, lie to themselves. Because, life is a lie and maybe just maybe living a dream is real. Because, I’ve learned people aren’t real. People let you down, spin you around and make you doubt the palliative condition of existence. I won’t let you down, if you don’t lie and pretend I’m the not real so you can save face in a world that mocks you as your shirt tails dance in the wind behind you. I’ll just keep dreaming. I can wait for a better place to live.

Gaslighting: Words Can Hurt You

I removed this post of my life of experiencing gaslighting before I ever knew there was a word for the phenomenon of someone projecting their guilt on someone else to isolate and estrange them in retaliation for not being agreeable and submissive to their bullying.  One day I will publish it again because the story is true and real.

 

How I Am

I’m just some girl from the middle of nowhere trying to get to somewhere

man, you don’t need to look down on me I already do it to myself

 

I’m on a road I try to travel and get diverted to the gravel in the middle

no need to kick dirt up at me I’ve fallen in it tripping over my own ideas

 

Just a girl searching for her purpose and trying to make a difference

No need to check in on me I think I’m doing fine – alone

 

Yeah, I get lonely and sometimes I cry at night, but that’s okay

we all hit rock bottom on the way to somewhere else

 

I don’t need anything I haven’t worked for myself

handouts aren’t the needs I’ve ever felt

 

Just trying to hold life together hoping that the grass isn’t greener,

just grass that leads me back to myself

 

Because, we’re all lost before we’re found as we strive for higher ground

in the middle of a place we know isn’t home and never can be again

 

The walls we build around us trap us right inside ourselves so I’m not asking

for love or comfort or anything that I can’t find within myself

 

Don’t tell me the rain is always followed by a sunny day

when you haven’t seen yourself beyond the clouds in your backyard

 

Somewhere it’s raining every day and it’s alright because the sun wasn’t for me

I kind of like the rain

 

Guess I’ll see you around again

If you find yourself talking about me make the story grander than I am

Just the way you know how to do

 

Just remember to tell them I’m not as cold as you’ve made me out to be

I’m just doing it my way and I’m alright for now

Maybe you should have asked, “How are you?” before you told everyone

how I am