I told the kids I was a dinosaur today when asked, “Teacher how old are you?”. This self defeating pinnacle of a silent fixation with aging emerged from the depths of my core with a need to accept that which I cannot change. Though I am not a Barbie doll or a famed movie actress, I am alive in my skin. I have needs as do most mortals walking this earth. A need to be admired and loved. A need to accept myself transfixed itself in my awareness with such a force I likened myself to T-rex. The children giggled and laughed at me unaware of my saddened heart. For it it was not for mirrors and the begiling looks of a younger generation as I casually walk the modern shopping mall I would believe myself to be fancy free in a charismatic reality such as the winged butterfly. Maybe I am a yellow daffodil in a meadow of millions unique only to itself as it sways in the early dawn breezes.
Life is not fair to the aging. With time life transforms to a knowing that protects the heart as though shielded against the daggers of junctions, explorations, and love. In love I have learned being alone and the reality of aloneness are both tempered and tempting. Yet. like so many human beings I flounder to the embrace of acceptance from the companion who knows me as well as I know myself. Yet, we barely say hello or goodbye day to day. I wonder if he realizes I am a dinosaur.
Today as the children giggled I chided with a roar and a fierce growl. A small voice beside me looked hard into my face as I set the tone for learning with a cowards repartee of turn to page 7 and show you are ready to read. He did not giggle. He simply stated, “Teacher you are too pretty to be an ugly dinosaur.” It was in that moment my reality collided with the presences of little eyes, and faces hopeful, sleepy, eager, bored all gazing upon me as if I might cry. I simply said, “I am a pretty dinosaur.”
Who knows the virtue of a dinosaur, but the loving teacher interacting with the innocense of childhood in a environment of learning. I will stay there awhile longer amid children who laugh at play and admire the teacher as though she might have a magical force to empower the world even if only temporary.
Today I became a dinosaur and I was pretty. Today reality transformed to a place where I can reside for a while longer in satisfaction I am doing the best I can.